“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in Me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing.”
-John 15:5 (NIV)
Those words penetrated my heart one day when I was at a losing-it point with my four kids.
Life was painfully hard — not that I haven’t experienced several hits since then, but God used that season of hard in such powerful ways, it’s become very significant in my life, and because of that, I refer to it often.
At the time, I was moving into single parenting with four kids under ten. Their father met a woman in a bar during our divorce — he followed her back to her home state where her dad was waiting to give her the practice he built up after she graduated from college. He told the kids he found a good job in another state and had to take it so he could help me take care of them and left without returning.
I had already learned the real reason he was leaving, but that remained private for many years. I shielded the kids when they were little. I knew the truth would leave them feeling even more broken than they already were, but the holes from “Daddy leaving” were still evident.
I was working with Jesus through the trauma of abuse and my broken heart while simultaneously trying to tend to theirs. Add your normal hard days: cooking, cleaning, homework, sports, juggling two jobs, and night school…it was a lot.
One night in particular, not totally abnormal for a household with kids, but this night I was crashing with their bickering. There was turmoil in my heart and mind — I was weary, and the kids’ added chaos was breaking me down.
I was trying to peacefully cook dinner.
They were pushing each other’s buttons and mine!
Rather than going in with a hammer to shut them down, I intensely walked up to them and told them “Mommy was going on time out!”
I warned them to not knock on my door unless someone was puking or bleeding.
True story.
I told them mommy was about to have some bad behavior and rather than having to apologize later, I would just put myself on time out now and shut myself away with Jesus.
I shut myself in my room, face down on my floor, and told God I wasn’t getting up from this place until He did something inside of me! I know what I am supposed to have running through me as a child of God and a carrier of His Spirit, and I was not feeling any of that!
I don’t know how long I laid there. I thought I felt a shift in me and believed I was in a good place because I prayed. I peeled myself off of the floor and slowly opened my door to see that one of my kids was standing there, waiting for me to re-enter life.
Nope.
The pressure of their demands came over me and I felt instant stress!
This was my indicator that I did not have the Holy Spirit working through me. I was still in my flesh. The knots in my belly and the way I felt inside revealed this to me. I did not shove it down or convince myself that I prayed, “So I’m good” and press on.
I didn’t feel good inside.
I shut the door once again, planted myself back in that face-down posture, and began declaring what I have in Him. My prayer shifted from begging to declaring:
God, You are for me, You are in me, You are my ever-present help in times of need. Your Spirit is alive in me. In my weaknesses, Lord, You are strong! You are love, mercy, grace, peace, and in You, I have access to an overwhelming flood of joy without end. This is what is in me, and this is what will flow out of me! Lord, when my children see me, let them see You in me in ways I cannot manufacture. I am yielding fully to You, Holy Spirit, fill me with Your love and power! I am Yours — Your vessel. Have Your way in me.
I wasn’t trying to get myself “there.” I was clothing myself in Truth until the peace that transcends all understanding enveloped me.
Something broke over me. The heaviness of life that was pushing me down was lifted off of me and I got up with a lightness. I slowly opened my door and the voices of my children that I heard from the other room went from pressure to peace.
My circumstances didn’t change.
My God changed me, and He used my circumstances to teach me how to climb into His lap and run to Him like a child who needs their Daddy!
One who will never leave me nor forsake me.
This is what we all have access to.
Friend,
Oftentimes a message of correction can leave us feeling like we need to try harder and do better because we know our behavior don’t look nothin’ like our Jesus.
Life as a believer should never feel like we need to try harder to do better so we can look like a Christian.
It’s a one foot in front of the other walk, remaining connected to the Vine, and sometimes even pulling ourselves away with Him until we’ve fully yielded ourselves to the inner work of the Holy Spirit.
That time out was a monumental moment for me. I was already on a growing in Christ journey, but that situation showed me what kind of peace I had access to in the midst of chaos.
I learned that I don’t have to try to shove down what I’m actually feeling and try to be a peacemaker in my home — I learned to access the peace that’s already in me by connecting to the Vine.
The atmosphere shifted inside of me and into my home that night.
That shift is what I carry in all situations, at all times.
Sometimes I still need to pull away, but more often than not, I live with a constant awareness of the peace that I have access to, regardless of what’s going on, that I pull on daily.
I have had people come to my house and tell me they live with constant anxiety but when they walk into my home the torment leaves.
JESUS!
I was approached at one of my high school reunions where a woman quietly shared that she just wanted to stand next to me all the time because she felt a peace she’d never felt before…
JESUS IN ME!
These are not isolated stories.
I have many.
This way of living is nothing I can manufacture. I’m not faking the persona of peace outwardly while living with inner turmoil. The Holy Spirit is producing His peace in me, and His peace is flowing through me, touching others.
Without a word, people see and feel Jesus’ peace that is beyond anything the world can give, and I get to share Him with them.
This is what life looks and feels like as we remain connected to the Vine at all times.
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
-Galatians 5:19-23 (NLT)
