Busy is not always best. Here’s a pull from my book, Life is Muddy:

“The ‘busy’ was what propelled me forward in many ways, but the truth of my broken heart and the realities of my new life could not keep up with that kind of momentum. Something had to give. I couldn’t keep that pace because that pace was not established on wholeness and health. It was established on an urgency to protect myself and my children. Once we hit a different stage in our family life, it was time to look at my heart head on. When I did, IT WAS AS UGLY AND AS MESSY AS IT COULD GET.

I got judged through it.

I lost close relationships through it.

I retaliated emotionally through it. Sorry.

Looking back, it’s quite embarrassing. I was a broken, bleeding, oozing mess of a woman, so much so that I didn’t even recognize myself anymore . . . BUT!

You’ll learn with me there is usually a big fat ‘but’ (wink-wink).

I would not go back and do it differently, even if someone paid me money to do so!

Do you know why?

I would not go back and redo any of it because it was during that painfully messy, ridiculously ugly time that I learned so much. It was the vital process that set me up and moved me toward Mud Slayer! I found some very safe people to walk this out with . . .

I found a place to dump all of my raw emotions and was blessed to have someone strong enough who could read between the lines and still encourage me in my strengths, while helping me feel normal for hurting. That person, who saw me at my messiest and loved me through it, just so happens to be a member of my board and accountability for Jillian Ahonen Ministries, and has become one of my closest, most cherished friends . . . talk about a major turnaround!

. . . I got complete freedom and wholeness as I relented to the process of grieving.

The mind-blowing miraculous took place in my heart and I walked away in freedom without all the ‘diagnosis’ and stereotypes that would typically be attached to survivors of this kind of trauma. I didn’t come out with l hatred towards men, a fear of being alone, or a fear of marriage. I had all the symptoms of what would be defined as PTSD and clinical depression, but I chose not to wear my feelings as my identity.

Instead, I used my feelings to go deeper l with Jesus, and he touched each and every one of the broken places of my heart.

It was a process that took a lot of time.

Honestly, it took a lot longer than I wanted, and even after I thought the flashes of past scenes and dips of depression were done and gone, something would ‘trigger’ that deep pain and I needed to invite Jesus to go deeper.

And He did. Each time He did, the memories that would once trigger a strong emotion out of me became less and less.

My memories are no longer attached to incredible pain, but attached to the grace, love and healing touch of Jesus. My heart and my mind are at peace.

I did not pray my feelings away. I couldn’t.

I could not talk my way out of what I was feeling. My feelings were real.

I did not live in denial with any of my emotions.

I was honest with my hurt.

I felt extreme depression and anger.

Putting my emotions in their proper place (with Jesus), and then making a conscious choice to get back up (believing he would meet me there) is what launched me into my freedom.”

Jesus is Healer. He won’t judge you. He sees your pain and knows the vulnerable places of your heart — run to Him. 🤍, J

If this post spoke to you, Life is Muddy was written for you! I don’t believe I walked through what I did for just me, but to be a vessel and a voice of hope for you. Grab your signed copy here.